Training day 3 (the morning of dog day)

6:45 AM

It's hard to believe that the day is actually here. I woke up this morning, and instinctively wondered how many days I had left in my count-down to dog day. And I realized this was it. every day, every hour, every minute is leading me to this. every anxious thought, every step I've taken, every agonizing tear I cried, it all boils down to this, doesn't it? Maybe I'm describing it wrong, though. It isn't "boiling down" to anything; it's culminating, building up, bringing me forward. I want to walk with confidence again. I want to hold my head up and let the world see my face again. I want to move with grace, with ease; and I don't, for fuck's sake, want to go bashing around everywhere with my cane anymore. I want to hear my dog breathe at night, the gentle rise and fall reminding me that no matter how much life hurts sometimes, I'm not alone. It's really quite amazing-the presence they can have without being human, or maybe it's actually because of it. I want him or her to give me a chance to prove myself. I hate rejection. I hate failure. I hate loss of control. But you know what they say: you don't love someone because they're perfect; you love them in spite of the fact that they aren't. And the trust? the love? it will come, even if it comes slowly. At the beginning, it'll be all awkward movements and some hesitation. Eventually though, we will know fluently the languages of one another's heartbeats. And tell me, tell me what gift is more precious in the world? I'm basically sobbing as I write this, so forgive any lack of clarity. I don't really know why I'm in such a deep mood.

Oh, whoever you are. I'm ready. I'm going to love you for a thousand years. I'm going to give you the ability to destroy me and trust that you won't, because that's what beings who love each other do. Are you ready, too, little one? I can't promise I'm going to be perfect. I can get frustrated easily, I love jealously, and I didn't grow up loving dogs. I get scared of cars quickly, and maybe sometimes I'll correct you by accident when you were doing something amazing. But I'll try, ok my little one? I'm going to open my heart and let you walk right in, sniff around, I'll even let you lick me (only a little..let's be real now!). Let's let each other in.

"When you're standing at the crossroads, don't know which path to choose, let me come along. Because even if you're wrong... I'll stand by you."

Let's see how this plays out, guys. I slept fitfully at best last night, waking with a jolt a few times, thinking I'd somehow slept through my alarm--only to learn I had a few hours left to sleep. Usually a relief, I was annoyed that the night wasn't passing any faster. Ok, I just got out of the shower, so time for me to dress myself. I'm trying to decide exactly what to wear, which seems kind of ridiculous, doesn't it? but I want to look and feel good when I meet him or her. I wonder if he or she has eaten breakfast already. Ok, that's enough of me for now; I'll be back.