Honey, I'm home!

So we're now safely at home in Waterloo (where my fiance lives), and I'll be heading back to Ottawa (where I go to school) in about a week. This has got to be confusing for poor Arden, but I'm sure he'll be just fine.
So I have good news and bad news. Let's start with the good. Arden was an absolute superstar all day on both flights, and then the hour-long ride back to my fiance's place. It was his first time flying, and I worried about potential anxieties on the plane, or an upset tummy, or even just his ears popping. I made sure to feed him ice as the planes took off and landed, and am hoping that that was at least useful. At the very least, he wasn't too thirsty. we made sure not to feed or water them too much before leaving, so as not to deal with "the urge" all day. He only sat up a bit during landing and take-off, but rested really comfortably for the duration of the flight.
The bad news is that I'm not really sure what's going on with these airlines, especially with respect to their policy on accommodating guide dogs. I flew both flights with Air Canada, and when I got to the check-in counter in sanfrancisco, was told that he and I would only have one seat. I asked not to sit next to anyone, and because the plane wasn't full, they accommodated that "request", but had the plane been full, it would have been me, Arden, plus some random (and justifiably disgruntled) stranger next to us in a two-seater. They told me that if we needed an extra seat, we'd have to buy it. Well, as I said, the first portion of the journey was ok, because the flight indeed hadn't been full, so we were able to get a two-seater to ourselves.
When I transfered in Vancouver, it was quite another story. First, let me say that it seems to be a chronic problem that airports are understaffed. every time I've flown anywhere, I'm always greeted by a panting, exhausted agent who's taken over for so-and-so because that person had too many people, or they ran out of wheelchairs, or they're pissed off about something or other. As if that wasn't bad enough, arden and I got dragged onto the moving escalator without being told that we were even approaching one. I couldn't even hear it move so as to stop myself, and as soon as we lurched onto it, my heart caught in my throat, because Arden didn't have his back boots on! The agent was very upset with herself, and apologized profusely, but that did very little to console me. As we all know, the escalator is a one-way ride--it's not like we were really able to just back ourselves off of it. I managed to reign in my panic for Arden's sake, and talked to him really animatedly as we approached the end. He jumped off with all four feet, giving himself like three feet of air. Thank god...but my worries were not yet over.
we arrived at the boarding gate, and were quickly informed that the flight was full, and that Arden and I would be sharing a two-seater with someone else. I was really kind of shocked, because I knew that GDB had indicated to the airline that I was travelling with a guide dog. And I don't really understand what the point is of telling the airline that you have a service dog if that doesn't change anything at all about your seating arrangements-we're legally not under any obligation to inform people of our dogs, and often do so just so they can plan to have us take up the required space. well, I kicked up quite a fuss at the counter about it--I managed to remain polite and professional, but made my worries clear. Arden is a few pounds hsort of being 80 lbs, and is about 26 inches tall. And he's also a very, very long dog. I kept reminding the people at the counter that the person next to me would not have any place to put their feet at all. So then they were like "ok, we've moved you to 5D, there's more space there." So, boarding pass in hand, I got on the plane.
"hello, Ms. Linch!" they greeted me cheerfully. except that my last name is not Linch. So then there was this whole big kafuffel because I had Ms. Linch's boarding pass, and where was she anyway, and who had my boarding pass? so then they placed me in the airplane's little kitchedn area while the rest of the passengers got on. So muchf or pre-boarding to avoid this crowd, but what're you going to do, right? As I stood there hearing people get on, I heard someone approach the flight attendant and say "I asked for a seat that was perfect! and I didn't get one!"
"I'm sorry?" she replied.
"I mean, I need to sit next to the emergency exit! and my TV isn't even working!"
And it really occured to me, for perhaps the millionth time, that what you complain about in life is so, so relative, and so dependent on what you're used to, what you've been trained to expect, etc.
Finally, they sorted themselves out, and someone came up to me, apologized profusely, and told me that they'd put me in first class because there happened to be an extra seat there. I still ended up sitting next to someone--a very kind, elderly gentelman who had also been upgraded for some reason or other, and managed to finish like, a bottle of wine each to comfort ourselves. So, I was really pleased with the flight attendants, who did everything they could to make Arden and I as comfortable as possible. But I'm really confused about the airline's policy about service animals. When I travel on the greynound, or with Via-rail, the seat next to us is always reserved as well, in order to accomodate the dog on the floor. I can't have been the first person to encounter this problem,and am surprised that it hasn't been addressed from a policy perspective. Either that, or the policy has been mis-applied. Granted, I slept for a million hours last night and am still in my PJs, so I haven't actually called anyone or looked anything up, but I fully intend on seeing this one through. Can you please comment on your experiences or understanding of existing policies? Is this just an Air Canada thing?
I will update later on how Arde and I are doing. So far, he's really enjoying being at my fiance's place, and I keep him close to me at all times. I don't think I'll be doing any harness work with him until a bit later this week though (thank you, construction!), and hopefully that'll be just fine as well.
Thanks again for reading, and i'll likely keep updating since that's what I tend to do.

Dear puppy raiser

How do you begin to thank the first pair of hands, the first committed heart, the first loving arms that ultimately began your dog's journey to you? how do you even begin to thank the people who made the ultimate sacrifice that can be asked of anyone on this earth: to enter into a relationship where the end has already been built in? knowing that the culmination of all your love, all your efforts, all your energy will ultimately lead to your loved one being taken from you? we spend so much of our lives in fear: fear of the unknown, of losing the people we love, of not being successful. We are taught to trust cautiously, for we don't know who or what lurks around each corner, what motives they have, what intent they might have. And in some ways, this keeps us safe. But does it not also lead to our overlooking some of the most generous and compassionate hearts this world has to offer? I don't really know how you did it: loving him through his accidents in the house; not really batting an eyelash when your favourite pair of shoes or a family airloom ended up in a chewed mess on the floor. How you took him to work, to school, all while he was in those delicate stages of puppyhood: tentatively sniffing his way around this insane, crazy world, and trying to figure out why he couldn't do all the same things all these two-legged creatures could do. And you taught him: not only to sit, potty outside, and not to bark down the neighborhood--you taught him trust, and kindness, and love and unconditional acceptance. And I want you to know that wherever Arden goes in this world, I will forever see you in him. When he lovingly leans his big yellow head into my lap, or rolls around with me on the floor and covering me with yellow fur, there you are. When he obediently watches my every move, and looks up adoringly, there you are. My dog will never be without the people who first taught him love and safety, because he had to get those things from somewhere, someone. And so with every step I take, and every beat of his endless heart, there you'll be. You are inextricably linked to us now, and every time Arden swerves me around an obstacle; every time he disobeys my forward command in order to save my life, you will have been part of the reason why. Every successful being has had someone rooting for his or her success, and you have been the root of Arden's success. Thank you for being the first hands and heart that loved my angel dog. I am honoured to be connected to you in this way, and know that as long as there continue to be people like you around, there is more good than bad in this world. so, from the bottom of my and Arden's hearts, and with many hugs and wags, we thank you. You will move forward with us always.

We're a graduated team!

9:47 Pm

As I write this segment, I'm in much the same position I was in when I wrote my last one--cross-legged on the bed, Arden's warm back pressed against my left leg as he sleeps next to me. And I couldn't be a happier person in the world.

Shortly after I wrote that last segment, I got dressed and headed off for lunch. We were served grill-cheese sandwiches, tomato soup, and powdered cookies for dessert. Someone must have really had a sense of humour, because serving a bunch of dressed up people soup and powdered doughnuts is just asking for disaster! We somehow managed not to make a royal mess of ourselves though, and were soon off.

As we rode to GDB's main campus, I realized that this would be our last trip in the van together. It was really bittersweet, because despite how much I'm looking forward to going home, I'm really going to miss my classmates and the trainers. It was such an unlikely group of people to get so close to one another--we were a class who ranged in age from 26 to 70, and came from so many different walks of life. and there was just so much mutual support, so much understanding, and tons upon tons of inappropriate conversations that had  us in stitches night after night.

When we got to campus, we all went into the big board room to await the arrival of the raisers. We were told to take off the dogs' harnesses, since there was nothing at all "professional" about the upcoming reunion, and there was going to be no attempt to reign in any of the dog's exuberance upon seeing its raiser. The puppy raisers came in one group at a time, so as not to simultaneously rush the board room and generate complete and utter mayhem. After the first few groups came in, I just sat there and listened. I could hear excited dogs jumping and dancing about, and snippets of conversation about so-and-so as a puppy. Where's Arden's family? I thought. Just then, the class supervisor came up to me and said they'd be in shortly. My heart raced; it was like dog day all over again, only this time I was meeting his raisers! Would they like me? Would he remember them? I barely had time to indulge all my fears before Arden's leash was nearly dragged right out of my hand. all four paws were off the floor and right on top of her, and my heart soared. I was so glad that he was so excited, and so happy to meet her at last! She and I had been exchanging e-mails for some time now, and so it was great to finally meet in person! she was every bit as fantastic as I'd imagined she would be and then some--I can definitely see why Arden is such an incredible dog. The minutes flew by as we just sat together and bragged about Arden, which was not hard to do at all. He was still going nuts the whole time, and sort of bounced back and forth between she and I, probably thinking "this is perfect! everyone I love is here! Let the party begin!". It must have been so amazing to be Arden today, now that I think of it. After chatting for a while, we were whisked away to take photos. There was one taken of just Arden and I, and one with the puppy raiser as well. Almost as soon as that was done, it was time to go and actually graduate. I left Arden with her, all harnessed up and professional. My classmates and I made our way across the parking lot to a grassy area outside the admin building where the graduation was to take place. and just like that, it began. They didn't show the "soulmates" video, which I thought they showed at most graduations--it's ok though, as things moved along pretty quickly. My primary instructor was the one doing the presenting, so she introduced all of us, and we all hooted and hollered and generally caused a ruckus because we were all so happy. Oh, just typing out all of this is making me feel sad again, guys. I got so attached to all the people I was with these past three weeks, you know? Heck, I even feel attached to those of you who are reading this, and I'm going to miss updating everyone! ok, sorry about that sidetrack...moving on!

When it was my turn to speak, I included a short speech I'd written up for Arden's puppy raiser. I made sure to mention that it went out to all the puppy raisers out there, and I'll be posting that immediately after I post this. I would post it now, but it'll just make the entry too big.

Once graduation was over, there was a lot of milling and mingling about. Several people approached us to congratulate us, and I actually got to meet a bunch of other puppy raisers, as well as some people on the GDB lounge mailing list! To everyone I met, thank you so, so much for coming out to support Arden and me! It means so much to me that you came out and shared the celebration with us, especially because my own family and loved ones could not come (they're just busy building igloos in Canada).

After we were done schmoozing, Arden's raisers and I headed back to the Inn, where Arden and Bobbie (his raiser's current dog) romped and played in my room. If we didn't intervene to stop them, they'd probably still be playing right now! I also took the opportunity to feed Arden, and then we were off to dinner. One of my classmates and her dog joined us, and we all headed to The Cheesecake Factory, which is among my favourite restaurants in the states. we actually don't have one in Canada, so I try and take advantage of it whenever I'm in the states. The conversation over dinner was wonderful, and the food (as I suspected) did not disappoint at all. For the record, I had their red velvet cheesecake, which has you believing you're headed straight for hell, it's just that sinfully good. And can I say how much more in love I fell with Arden's raisers? we're absolutely going to stay in touch, and I'm so lucky to have expanded my network of loved ones all the way to Bakersfield, California!

And now I'm exhausted, and still have a bit of packing left to do. After we said goodbye to Arden's raisers, he and I just lay in my bed together, and I thought of all the funny things that happened to Arden and I in class, or funny things his raiser told me about him, and I held him, and laughed and laughed and laughed. It was actually kind of ridiculous. He just snuggled closer, thumped his head down on the pillow next to me, and sighed that sigh that so perfectly says, without any words at all, "Oh, this is perfect, isn't it?"

Yes Arden, it is. I love you.

And just because I'm having a hard time letting go of this blog, I'm going to probably post another entry tomorrow--we have a very long day ahead of us. We leave GDB at 4:00 in the morning, and I have my first flight at 7:00, land in Vancouver at 9:00, leave Vancouver at 11:00, and arrive in Toronto at 6:30 eastern. So it'll be a very long day indeed. See you back in Canada, everyone!

Pre-grad update

8:51 AM

I'm updating the actual blog every time I write a segment today, because after dog day, this is probably the most momentous day I'll have here at GDB.

This morning at breakfast, the excitement in the room was contagious. even all the dogs were more riled up than usual, and when one dog would begin to scramble or make out with another dog, they all perked up and wanted to join in the fun. We didn't really stop the frolicking, because we had our own excitement and nervous to contend with. Nervousness, you ask? How could you be nervous.

Well, it didn't occur to me until one of my classmates brought it up last night, but she made a really good point. Neither of us had ever done a graduation ceremony where the puppy raiser hands you the leash "in public" on stage. So, as she articulated last night, "What if the puppy raiser goes to hand you the leash, and your dog doesn't want to go with you?" and like a bullet from a high-powered rifle, my mind was off. I instantly envisioned teetering up to the stage on the arm of one of my instructors, heart beating so loud that the microphone would pick it up. Then, with tears in her eyes, the puppy raiser would hand me the leash, effectively "relinquishing" Arden to me. I'd smile, all teary-eyed myself, and give the leash a gentle tug to remind Arden that he should be at my side. But he'd stay facing her, all four paws firmly planted on the ground. My heart would skip a beat, and I'd give the leash a bit of a stronger tug, whispering his name and wondering if I had treats somewhere to coax him with. An instructor would finally have to intervene to rescue the situation from even more epic embarrassment, and my puppy raiser would feel equal parts happiness and sadness, and so would I, I suppose. And then Arden would finally, grudgingly heel at my side, his head still cranked in her direction. Ugh ugh ugh. Don't get me wrong; I can't wait to see how delighted Arden'll be when he sees his raisers. I want him to be over the moon to see them, because my hope is that one day, that's what his attachment to me will be like. But I also do want him to sort of perhaps maybe come back to me for the sake of a public event, you know what I mean? I'm totally cool with him going nuts and hanging out with her all day even, but I'm so scared he'll take one look at me and be like "f you, biatch! I'm finally home again! Unlike you, she's a real "dog person!"" and I'll be all crestfallen and then we'll all awkwardly apologize to one another and reassure everyone that Arden still loves them. Oh Arden, what a wanted man you are!

Confession number 2: As I type this segment, he is lying next to me...on the bed. That is all.

Training day 19

1:02 Pm

This morning cannot be described in any term other than simply perfect. The entire class piled into the vans shortly after breakfast, and we were off. We cruised down the highway for some time before turning off onto a very windy, narrow road with a jutting cliff edge off to one side. My instructor drove the van expertly and cautiously, because the winding road was making for some turning and churning stomachs (for both humans and dogs, it would seem). When we got there, we waited for the others to arrive before setting off.

Once we took off, Arden and I stayed with the group for a bit before doing our usual "take off" and there we were once again: alone in the woods, the redwood-scented air filling our lungs. Occasionally, I'd reach out to my right and trail my fingers along the bark of a redwood tree, or feel a point in the trail where the tree had been carved into a bench. We walked over some bridges; his nails clicking along the wood, and heard nothing but the small, clear streams that framed our path. Occasionally, we'd cluster together as a group and take pictures--we even got a few pictures of just the dogs sitting together on a bench! I plan on uploading some pictures as soon as I get permission from the handlers.

At one point, the three of us stopped and gave our instructor a gift we'd purchased for her. It couldn't really come close to expressing our gratitude towards her--I've always said that being paired with a guide dog is akin to an arranged marriage, and she was the expert that actually helped us understand one another's language and make the match actually work. I can't imagine how proud she must feel (or ought to feel, at any rate) of the work she does. How incredible would it be to have a job that has such a direct influence on the people you're working with. I mean, think about it. She gets a dog who's a wriggling bundle of happiness, who knows its obedience, but no guide work. Then, in a matter of months, she's managed to teach the dog how to guide a blind person around things, through crowded shopping malls-everything. Not to solicit attention while in harness; not to sniff everything it passes. And then, then to match it with just the right person so that a perfect team can go off into the world and do incredible things just by being together--I can't even imagine how rewarding that must feel. She's incredible though, and I hope she knows it. So L, here's to you.

This afternoon, we're going to be meeting with the people from admissions to get our dogs' binders. The binders will have all their information: medical history, our guide dog user contracts, and I'm sure a bunch of other stuff. After that, one of my classmates has offered to help me pack, and I'm taking her up on that one readily. I suck at packing, so the help will be much appreciated.

8:14 Pm

Most of this evening was spent just being silly with either my dog or my classmates, and sometimes even being silly with my classmates' dogs. One of the dogs in our class weighs a whopping 45 lbs, and we all want to put her in our back pocket and take her home. She and her handler are so perfect for each other. Come to think of it, all of the matches in our class have seemed incredible.

So, graduation is tomorrow, and I'm sure it'll be bittersweet. I of course cannot wait to get home, see my fiance, and get down to showing my dog his new life, but I'm also really worried. I'm scared that all the problems lurking beneath the surface will suddenly reveal themselves, and somehow, Arden won't be able to guide. Like I've said countless times before, I seem to be programmed to constantly anticipate the worst, and it really gets in the way of really enjoying what's happening at the moment. Who knows--someone could psychologize me one day and conclude that it's probably so that I can cope better with disappointment when it actually does happen, but let's face it--we're rarely prepared to have our hearts broken in any way. But this morning in Muir woods, I really found myself enjoying everything with my dog, and there was just so much hope and happiness in my heart. I knew I'd feel the dread--it'll probably set in a bit once I'm left alone at the airport. I'm sure a part of me will want to scream "No! I'm not ready yet!", but when we were walking along the trails, it was just us, and it was just right. I need to have more faith in Arden, and also in GDB. It's been an incredible whirlwind this past three weeks, and I don't think I'd change a single thing about my training experience. I was anticipating so much  more stress, so much  more scrutiny, but I found little to none. And so I'm looking forward to graduation with an open heart and an open mind. In sum, it's time to celebrate! I will update tomorrow evening, and there will likely be pictures! Thank you so, so much for following me through this journey--it's been intense, and I've done my best to be as honest and candid as possible. That was hard at times, but I'm naturally an emotional and introspective person, and so I think it's inevitable that it comes out in my writing. Thanks also for the comments, e-mails, and phone calls of encouragement and support; they really compelled me to continue writing and updating. One day, I want to read back through all of this and just remember our first steps together. And just think about where we've been, and also where we're going. It's going to be really hard when something really funny or cute or exciting happens, to not just rush to my computer and write about it so I can post it later. who knows--maybe I'll keep this blog alive. It's hard though, because I've been so insolated from my life for the past three weeks--I know I'll go back, and there my life will be: waiting for me to pick up where I left off.

Thanks again, everyone. we'll talk tomorrow, and I'll also update once Arden and I are home. I'd also love it so much if I could stay in touch with those of you who want to. Please feel free to either comment, or e-mail me at shermeen.k@gmail.com

Thanks again, and I'll see you tomorrow--it's not over till it's over!

Training day 18

12:05 Pm

I actually slept well last night, I think. I woke up about an hour later than normal, but actually felt pretty refreshed.

This morning, we headed back to Fisherman's Warf. Unbeknownst to be, the admissions department can actually ship a box of stuff to you if what you purchased can't fit in your suitcase! so, and much to my fiance's dissatisfaction I'm sure, I ended up buying a really nice Sanfrancisco shirt. I really hope I won't need an extra box for it, but you never know. Anyway, the route we did was really nice. Arden weaved expertly through pedestrians, though he did jump a  curb. He was hilarious, because even after I shoed it to him, he jumped it again. He got it on like the fifth try, and I just ended up laughing. he's definitely not a curb-jumper, but I just found it hilarious that he can do so many complicated and wonderful things, but there'll always be this one curb, or this one crossing, or this one thing that'll trip up any dog and there won't be any apparent reason for it. Anyway, it was more funny than serious, and all his other curbs were as excellent as they always are. Most of our turns were even good, come to think of it!

My instructor told me that I had to try an In and Out burger (In and Out is a California fast-food chain), so we stopped off and I loaded up. I got a picture of Arden and I, In and Out bag clutched to my chest, standing right outside the restaurant door.

This afternoon, we're heading back into San Anselmo again so we can re-do the right clearance route. There's also apparently a dog boutique store there, so I might pick up a thing or two for Sir Arden's wardrobe while I'm there.

6:32 Pm

Like I said earlier, our afternoon was spent in San Anselmo. Arden and I got another chance to do the right clearance route, and with the exception of my "encountering" one garbage can, the route went beautifully. It was so obvious that Arden had good carryover from when we were there last week, and it also became even more obvious than it had before that he really doesn't like getting in trouble. As soon as you point out that he's made an error, he sort of looks up, licks his lips a lot, and kind of puffs them out a bit. Then, as he re-works the issue, he sort of perses his lips again in concentration. Oh my gosh guys, I just have such an adorable dog.

After we'd completed the route, we all decided to hang out at a dog boutique called "Dogville" (I think). Our instructor is also a huge dog lover (go figure), so she was also eyeing the store down while we shopped. I bought Arden another squeaky tug toy that seems quite indestructible, as well as a collar with elephants on it, some more doggy cologne (this one in vanilla-almond), and an ID tag that's of angel wings and a halo (because he's an angel dog!). On the back of it will be engraved Arden's name, as well as my contact information should Arden decide to take off for the hills one day.

While we were browsing the store, these two elderly women came in and began talking to us about our dogs. They were immediately fascinated, but not necessarily in a good way.

"So do you guys beat your dogs?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry?" I was shocked. did she just say what I thought she said?

"Are you joking? Did you just ask us if we beat our dogs?"

"Yes, that's what I asked."

I was very tempted to respond and say "yes, only not in pet stores" but I held my tongue. This woman was obviously either quite the character, or really unaware or confused. I think I just sat there slack-jawed while Melissa talked to them about positive reinforcement and all that good stuff.

"Well, those dogs are so skinny." I heard one of the women mutter to her friend as they left the store. Our dogs are most certainly not skinny; they're actually trim and fit, which I suspect is a far cry from whatever animal has the misfortune of being her pet. I've certainly been made aware that there are some people in this world who think that no dog should do anything but "be a dog", and that includes not working, and I already know that nothing I say will likely change their minds. and I'd rather not waste my time trying to. Like seriously, did that woman legitimately think we beat our dogs? as if I would have said "Oh yeah, all the time!". I swear, some people!

I had such a good afternoon, though. A combination of a really good route and some shopping is basically my idea of perfection.

When we got back to the inn, Arden and I actually had a very rousing game of tug; I'm delighted that he's actually a tugger! It's kind of hilarious, because he has no traction on the wooden floors here, so he was basically sliding around the room as I dragged him about with the toy, trying to bash his yellow head this way and that to get some leverage. He finally managed to drag me over to his carpet where he could dig his feet in and we played what I'm sure he thought was a more fair game. At one point, I managed to wrestle the tug toy from his teeth, and hurled it a little to enthusiastically across the room. We heard it crash very loudly into something, and that kind of brought the game to a grinding halt, as we both thought "Oh shit".  Turns out I had managed to toss the toy behind the air conditioner. I fished it out, and it was game on again. We just had so much fun together!

You know, it felt so good to just run around the room and be silly with my dog--it's something I should probably do more often. Things like that don't come to me as naturally though, but times like these serve as such a good reminder of how much fun it can be. And he deserves it so much. We then had five minutes for a very quick snuggle and then it was off to dinner!

7:10 Pm

Ok, so I was just sitting here reading e-mails, when I heard a knock on the door. The following thoughts all occurred to me all at once:

-Oh shit, Arden's not on tie-down.

-I have to get that door.

-I don't have time to tie him up! down! to anything!

So I launched off the bed, and yelled a "stay" towards Arden's corner. It was the nurse coming to ask a quick question. We chatted briefly at the door, and then she was off. I turned around, to find that Arden was lying quietly on his carpet, just like I'd asked. Bolting was never a fear I'd had for him, but you never know-he's a young dog, and I've only had him for two weeks. But nope-there he was, lying perfectly still. I basically unloaded my bate pouch into his mouth and praised him like it was going out of style. I just love him! I love him!

8:43 Pm

The day is winding down, and I'm promising myself that I'll at least be horizontal before 9:00. So this is going to be a quick last segment. Tomorrow the class goes to Mure Woods, a very scenic trail through a wooded area, complete with tree-scented air and bubbling streams. It seems like such a wonderful and stress-free way to end class. I'm sure it will be bittersweet though, as I've never been good at letting go of anything--good or bad. Anyway, before I descend into more melodrama, I'm going to say goodnight and we'll speak tomorrow!

It's Burger Time!



Shermeen and Arden outside of an In-N-Out

Training day 17

6:34 AM

Unbelievably exhausted. That's basically all I can say for myself this morning. That, and it's freezing. Like, cold enough for me to want to tamper with the thermostat in my room to see if I can get the heat going. I know I know, I'm a Canadian; I should be able to handle this. I blame my ancestors; they were brown, and we just weren't built to accommodate this type of weather. So that's my excuse.

I had a really tough time falling asleep last night, because like, six different things happened in my personal life in the span of half an hour before I lay down. I've addressed most of it, I think, but the bottom line is that I need more sleep and want to go home.

This morning, we head to the Embarcadero. I'm pretty excited!

3:11 Pm

I had a lot of fun today. as I said before, we headed to Sanfran's financial district, and it did not disappoint if what we were expecting was crowds, more crowds, and complicated clearances. Given that it was the financial district, I don't think anyone really anticipated the riffraff we ran into on one of the corners near the building we were using. I was out with the class supervisor relieving my dog, when I heard the following.

"F*** you! Get the f out of there! now!"

"No! f you! f you right back!"

"It's a f*cking public rest room! We use it for the bathroom, not like you f*ckers!"

"You guys have outdoor washrooms?" I turned to the supe.

"Well, it's a public facility, yes." he replied. Then, apparently, the door of the public restroom actually opened, and four men spilled out.

"I knew it! You mother f*ckers need to stop doing your f*cking drugs up in this place!! f you!"

Meantime, my instructor was trying to show me how to put the gentle leader on Arden's head. There were all sorts of loops and straps, and I really wasn't getting the hang of it at all. Finally, we decided that she would just put it on him, and I'd learn about the mechanics of it later on, given that we could have like, gotten shot had we stood there any longer. well, let me just say that Arden fully despised having the gentle leader on. and when I say despised, I mean it in full force. He initially tried to rub it off on my legs when we were walking, and I strongly discouraged it with a firm "no".

Alright biatch, he must have thought, I'ma rub it off elsewhere. So we were walking through this really tight outdoor seating, when he pulled ahead, and rammed his head between the bare, skirt-clad legs of the woman in front of us. Yes. You read that correctly. Bare. Legs. Woman.

"Oh my gosh!" she exclaimed, and apparently darted a furious look at the supervisor who was right behind us.

"Arden just tried to rub his collar off on some woman's leg." my instructor explained. Mortified, I waited for us to finish the block, and then took it right off. It's kind of odd, but he actually works much better with it off. As soon as it was off and he'd rubbed his face all over my legs a few times for good measure (I actually think he felt very insulted), we trotted happily on, and his focus was regained.

I got a bit stressed out at various points during the route, mostly because the streets and sidewalks were very large, sprawling, and full of wide rounded corners. So we'd approach a curb in what I thought was a straight line, but have to turn like, 45 degrees before crossing. And I got all turned around and annoyed, because the wide sidewalks made it easy for my dog to start drifting. But here we had that same old problem again: how do you know when your dog is drifting for a legitimate reason versus because they're unfocused or assuming you want something you don't? oh, speaking of unfocused, Arden had a few time-outs on route today because of some pigeons! haha! my dog has pigeon distractions! A bird took off up into the air right in front of us, and he sort of gazed awestruck at it, kind of like "Wait, you can go up like that? Let me try!" Because I don't anticipate encountering too much wildlife where I live, I think we should be ok--he wasn't extremely distracted, but definitely interested. Dogs are still his favourite, though.

After the route, we headed back to the building we were using and had a delicious lunch and some extremely inappropriate conversations. Following that, we did a nice, short route as a group (so there were three of us and our dogs, plus the supervisor and the instructor). It was really nice to walk with a few other handlers, because both my best friend and fiance are handlers, so Arden'll definitely have to get used to travelling with them. So all in all, a really good day. I think I'm ready to go home though, because I'm starting to get stressed out for no reason. I was telling my instructor that today. She is very familiar with how stressed out I get on routes, which is one of the reasons I pretty much won't work with anyone else. It was kind of funny, because the supervisor returned early from doing Melissa's route this morning, and asked if I wanted to head out with him.

"I'll just wait for L." I said simply, and tried to sound as polite as possible. It isn't that I don't like him; on the contrary, he's actually quite hilarious and is really, really good with the dogs. But I just don't know him as well, and am not entirely convinced that anyone other than L won't do the probation officer thing.

So yup, another good day for us. The first route was really stressful because of the gentle leader, but it's not like we're obligated to use it. And I likely didn't give it a fair chance. still though, it didn't seem to be making my life any easier, that's for sure.

4:01 Pm

Oh my god oh my god oh my god!

I just got of the phone with Arden's puppy raiser! She and I had been exchanging e-mails for a few days now, and incidentally ended up calling each other at the exact same time! I managed to get a hold of her during a work break, and the  minutes flew by as we both bragged about how great Arden is. She confirmed that he's always been incredibly calm and loyal, and was never a piggish eater. We were both really pleased about that, and shared yet another brag about how he sits calmly and patiently on his carpet to wait for his food to be prepared. Oh gosh, just thinking about how great he is is making me want to climb into bed and snuggle with him this instant. You know what, I'm going to do just that.

4:39 Pm

Ah, much better. we snuggled on the bed and napped for a bit, and now I'm typing as I hear Arden daintily and politely eat from his bowl on the corner.

9:06 Pm

As class winds down, I realize that although I'm really looking forward to going home, I've really met some incredible people while here. There are two women, for instance, who are both seventy years old and getting guide dogs. I look at them and think to myself "gee, if I'm lucky enough to even make it to seventy, I so, so want to be like them." Not even just because they're still spry and healthy, although I'm sure that helps a lot. but they both just seem so self-possessed; so "over" those personal demons that haunt so many of us for most of our lives. and they have about them such a quiet yet persistent wisdom, and I just find it so grounding. and, I don't know. Like, they just seem so ok with being themselves: with all their limitations, talents, needs, wants, abilities; it isn't about pursuing some ideal anymore, or cultivating an image for one's self--it's self-actualizing, or just being ok with yourself and your life. We're always looking ahead, planning ahead, thinking five years from now--but must it not just be so incredible to look at yourself one day and honestly be able to say "here. this is exactly who and where I want to be. And I like it." There's a woman in my class who I've gotten a bit close to, and she's told me that she's reached that point recently, herself. And I know that it's been a struggle for her as well, as it likely is for so  many of us. But to just reach a place where you've got nothing left to achieve so that you can call yourself a happy person is just such a place of peace, and I really, really hope to be there myself one day. These people really inspired me a lot. I think our journey in life can be very nicely summed  up in one maxim: look to the living, love them, and hang on.

Goodnight, all of you. and thanks for reading. and putting up with my very deep rants!

Our ID Picture!

Arden and Shermeen

Training day 16

8:00 AM

Alarm went off at 6:00 today, and I ended up bailing on my morning shower and reset the alarm for 7:00. Asking me to wake up at 6 would have been akin to asking me to wade through lead; it simply wasn't going to happen. I'm going to be so screwed when I head back east and have to get up at 7:00 eastern, which'll be 4:00 AM here.

It's freezing this morning, so I'm only sort of looking forward to going to Berkeley. Working my dog while I'm frigid isn't my idea of a good route, but we'll just have to see how it goes.

10:29 AM

I'm writing this segment at a starbucks in Berkeley! Arden and I worked a route here from another subway station, and overall, it went really well. One of the things I think we handlers need to keep in mind is that rather than "teach you and your dog how to ride the subway together", this is basically a route that will show you that your dog can indeed ride the subway safely, and safely navigate a subway station. As for showing them the specifics of targeting a specific set of stairs you'll be using, or which tracks you typically take, that's stuff you'll be showing your dog yourself. He worked well in the subway station, going either left or right when I gave him the forward command when the tracks were in front of us. The dogs are taught to actively disobey the forward command when tracks are immediately in front of the team, and so go either left or right. This is obviously to keep the team walking parallel with the tracks, and not on a crash course headed straight for them. He also wasn't anxious at all on the loud subway, which made me really happy. Our turns are still a bit uncoordinated, but that's likely as much my problem as it is his. We also had a few clearance issues, where we had to say, pass a pole. Instead of passing the pole on the left where there was more room, he'd pass it on the right where we had to squeeze close in order not to fall off the curb. we reworked those though, and he did wonderfully. All in all, I'm satisfied with the way the route went. His pace was perfect, and he remained focused. Those are two of the most important things, I think. The rest can vary, and sometimes comes with time, but pace and focus are just so crucial to a successful team. I'm just sitting here now, waiting for another of my classmates to work her way over here with the class supervisor. Then, we'll pile into the vans and head back to GDB's main campus for lunch, my meeting with Arden's trainer, and the vet consults! woohoo!!

8:31 Pm

One of my classmates joined me at Starbucks, and then we all headed back to GDB's main campus for lunch. Shortly thereafter, I got to meet and chat with A, Arden's trainer. As he'd done once before, he leapt off the ground, all feet in the air, and landed on her shoulders. I was so glad that he met her with such enthusiasm, not only because I hope he'll love me like that one day, but also because I'm just so impressed that a dog can love a trainer so much--a person who has actual expectation of its behaviour; someone who gives it physical corrections sometimes. The capacity for these dogs to forgive and move on is really quite astounding, and really sets them apart from dogs not suited to service work, I think. Anyway, she and I headed out to chat for a bit, and it basically turned into a joint bragging session about yellow Arden. She told me that she hadn't encountered any abnormalities or particularly noteworthy things in his training, and that he'd always been a hard-working, eager-to-please dog who had a calm and quiet disposition. Now, if only all males were like that! ;).

When I was finished talking to her, one of GDB's vets came into talk to us about our dog's overall health concerns. His biggest concern, and something they seem to see on a regular basis, is an overweight dog. It's never really been an issue for my dogs in the past, and the combination of general fatigue and the warm air in the room had me almost nodding off at some points. It was an informative lecture though, and he certainly kept us laughing with some of his stories. Oh, I forgot to mention that before lunch, we had some time to let our dogs run off-leash in the paddocks again. This time, my dog played with another classmate's dog, and they ran and jumped and played a whole bunch. I was convinced that his recall would suck in the presence of that very attractive other dog, but when I called his name, he was at my side in an instant.

Ok, so after the vet's lecture, we headed over to the veterinary clinic itself to learn more about our own dog's health history, and it was there that I learned that Arden had Parvo as a puppy. It was actually the first time I learned what Parvo even is, and it's a virus that's in the digestive system, and if not treated immediately, is often deadly. At the time of the outbreak, GDB was asking that no dogs be boarded at the kennel, as they'd already lost some puppies to Parvo. Arden, however, fought the yellow fight and came out a thriving survivor. Call me a sentimental fool, but when we got back to the hotel room after dinner, I lay with him on the bed, my body curled protectively around his, and I cried a bit into his fur. To think that some disease could have just taken him when he was a tiny, hopeful puppy is just heartbreaking. It also struck me how little I really know him, you know? How many secrets they can keep because they don't talk, how much they see and just can't share. It's really quite remarkable. After the vet lecture, we had another chance to let the dogs romp and play, and they took full advantage. Arden doesn't play too hard though, and was content to come back and lie down with me after a while. And that's just the way I like it!

He also has a bit of conjunctivitis in his left eye. That's a very very fancy word for "he probably just got some dust in it" and it's a bit red. We have drops for it though, so that should go away in no time.

The evening was spent in the aforementioned snuggling position, and I have a bit of a toothache, so I'm going to head to bed. Tomorrow, we're heading to the Embarcadero, which is Sanfransisco's Eastern waterfront. It's also the city's financial and business district, so should be teaming with pedestrians and cars. I think we'll be getting another chance to ride the subway, play on escalators, and navigate crowded sidewalks. We'll also be trying the gentle leader, just to see how he takes to it. We were going to do that today, but I ended up forgetting.

Goodnight, all of you! and thanks for reading! oh, and I also got a copy of the ID picture taken last Wednesday, and will post that shortly. Let me know what you guys think of it!

Training day 15

6:32 AM

Gosh it's freezing this morning. Then again, I'm always cold. I thought I might wake up sore from last night's deep  massage, but I'm surprisingly not. The guy did tell me that my back felt really offset to him though, which didn't surprise me at all, given how tense I am when I walk with Arden. It's not him, specifically, but just that it takes time to trust that a new dog won't crash you into something, or drop you off the edge of the sidewalk. Although these dogs are trained extensively, they're still young, and our relationship is still brand new. And I'm sure that goes both ways, too. I'm sure I hold the harness handle differently from the way his trainer did, and I probably follow differently as well. So poor Arden has to get used to be also!

This morning I think we're going to Fisherman's Warf, a landmark tourist destination in sanfransisco. It's generally very crowded, and teaming with tourists. There are also a lot of outdoor stalls and displays that Arden will have to be mindful of, and I don't doubt that there'll be a lot of smells, also. For now though, I'm going to get dressed and attend to this yellow animal that's in my room.

12:17 Pm

This morning, we headed out to Fisherman's Warf, as anticipated. Arden really comes to life in the big city, which is generally a good thing, given that I live downtown, myself. It was a great opportunity to basically practise everything: navigating around countless pedestrians, extremely wide street crossings, and obstacles all over the place. He also managed to do some excellent guiding while the sounds of construction drowned out any and every other noise, including my commands and praise. He handled the city like a champ. He did speed up quite a bit though, so I had to slow him down a couple times. Although I'm getting to trust him, that's a speed I'd like to reserve for when our trust is stronger still. Right now, I'd prefer his more moderate speed, because if there ever is a clearance issue or some other guiding mishap, I'll at least have time to react before potentially getting my head bopped, you know? I also got myself a sanfransisco keychain with the Golden Gate Bridge on it to take home. I debated buying some clothes, but decided against it (my fiancé would be proud!), mostly because I don't have too much extra room in my suitcase.

Although the morning went relatively well, I'm still in a bit of an irritable mood. The entire morning, I just felt like shouting "Shut up!" everywhere I went, and I had less patience than usual when being approached by a very...unique individual who insisted on blowing smoke in my and Arden's faces, while standing close enough to me to be making out.

"I'm in the biotech industry!" he bellowed. I was like sure buddy, though I'm sure you need an IQ higher than, like, four to be in that industry at all, just saying. And he wouldn't stop talking about how great Arden was, which I had to agree with. even still, the amount of attention we get from the public can also get really annoying. Sometimes, when I'm in a good mood, I'll engage with them and chat a bit, but often, I'm rushing off to school and have several things on my mind, and am just not in a place to chat about how "your dog smells my dog" for an hour.

I'm so annoyed, in fact, that I'm just going to skip lunch and spend some time here in my room. Maybe I'll listen to music or something, or maybe read a book. I'm just in one of those moods where any social interaction has the potential to reduce me to tears or send me into an anxiety attack because I just find it so exhausting. I know that I wouldn't want to be around me right now, so I suppose I'm also doing my classmates a favour :).

This afternoon, we have our progress interviews for the week. I think we'll be talking about last-minute things we'd like to work on, as well as the transition back home. after that, I think we're having a talk from a field manager about graduate services. This evening we're doing our first "night route".  I put that in quotations because we're doing it at 6:30, when it'll barely even be dusk out, so I think the "night" part of the route is a loose term. Ah well, I'm glad for all the practise we can get.

5:56 PM

Like I said earlier, I didn't end up making it to lunch. It ended up being a good decision, because I ended up listening to an audio book and falling asleep, one arm draped off the side of the bed, stroking Arden's soft yellow coat. It was one of those very relaxing naps where you don't really know exactly when you fell asleep, but wake up feeling rested. A short while after I woke up, my instructor came by to have our progress meeting. We went over to the hammocks to chat, and Arden flipped over onto his belly and received all his praise. We agreed that like we'd always suspected, Arden is a consistently good worker. This isn't to say we never have our issues, but I can generally expect really good work from him, and he absolutely delivers. We talked about any outstanding things I wanted to focus on this week, and I told her I'd like to work on controlling his speed better--there were moments at the Warf this morning where I felt he was a bit too quick for that environment, and so I'd like to just fine-tune our speed issue. Really though, I'm just being nit-picky. If someone asked me if I was ready to head home today, I'd have to say that I am. I also know that I'm one of the lucky people in class who had relatively few problems with  my dog. Honestly though, I can't really think of anyone in my class (with maybe one exception) who wouldn't be ready to head home. A lot of us are just reworking routes we found helpful, doing more work in areas we think most resemble our home environment, and are putting the final touches on our technique. Oh, speaking of which, we're heading into Berkeley tomorrow, and we're going to be trying the gentle leaders on the dogs for the route. The gentle leader more effectively controls the dog's head, and does not require as much physical strength or motion on the part of the handler. Some dogs need it occasionally, while others have it as part of their wardrobe--it completely depends on the team and their environment. I'm interested to see how Arden will react to having it on; I hope he doesn't mind it, because although I don't think it'll be a standard part of his uniform, I'd like to have it in my "toolbox" should an occasion call for it.

9:03 Pm

So here I am, on the flip side of the night route. I went out second, which actually gave the sky a bit of time to darken just enough to at least make it feel like a late evening route, if not a full on night one. Another instructor joined us for the evening, because she'll be staying over night. she actually ended up taking Melissa on her route, and when they got back to the lounge, I began to panic a little. She seemed very kind and approachable, but I'm a bit attached to the idea of going out with my own instructor. She understands what it is I need of her during routes, i.e. needing for her not to be a silent parole officer shadow figure. She's really good at chatting to me as I walk, which does a lot to ease my anxiety. Anyway, she ended up getting back to the lounge in time and was very flattered when I told her that I worried I'd have to walk with someone else. I'm glad I made her feel wanted!

The route itself went wonderfully. There were several dog distractions out in full force, so we had opportunities to practise either working past them or doing the time out. The second time out I did was actually effective, and I mentioned it to my instructor. I'm sure you guys know that I'm a bit skeptical as to the effectiveness of the time-out method in all circumstances, and I've also shared my perspective with the instructor. she brought up a really good point though. effective or not, it isn't safe to work a dog who's actively distracted. so there may be times when I can urge my dog past a distraction because I'm finding he's minimally engaged with the distraction, and I know I can refocus his attention quickly. There were times tonight, though, when it made a lot more sense to stop, regroup, and work him after waiting about ten seconds. In the "real world" i.e. when there isn't an instructor around to describe the situation to you, or give you feedback on what has your dog's attention, it makes sense to not have the dog guide you while he's distracted. So I learned something really valuable right there! So, thanks L! (you know who you are).

Speaking of dog distractions, we were coming up on this one dog on the left who was tiny and barking up a storm. Arden did try to walk past it, but stopped. I was all GDB time-outing--like you could have put me in a GDB commercial for time-outs. Then, the woman who owned the dog grabbed it, and urged it towards my dog.

"Go meet him! play with him!" she chirped, continuing to shove her dog in my dog's face. By this time, Arden was effectively choking himself because he was trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

"Can you please not thrust your dog at him?" My instructor asked the woman, "he's actually working. he's a guide dog."

"He is?!?!" the woman asked incredulously.

"Yup." my instructor replied simply.

"Well, I'm so sorry!" she turned away, shame-faced.

"Shame on you! Shame on you!" she yelled at her dog, as if it was the dog's fault it's owner carried him to my dog's face. Like, I'm not sure how much  more obvious it could be that Arden was working. he's outfitted with a very obvious harness, with signs up the wazoo that look official. Some pet-owners, eh? Oh well, like I said, it gave me a chance to practise dog distractions!

His pace was excellent tonight, and I'm hoping it stays that way. I have this fear that because it's the last week, some huge problem is going to suddenly reveal itself and I'll have to rush home all panic-stricken and confused. But Arden has been a consistently good worker, and we're getting to know one another, I think. And hope. Hope is a big part of it.

Tomorrow we head into Berkley, where we'll be taking the BART (Bay Area Rapid transit) i.e. the subway. So it'll give us a chance to practise subways as well as big cities. And in the afternoon, I get to chat to a, Arden's trainer! after that, we have our vet consults, so I'll get to learn all about his health history! There are two dogs in the class who share a father with Arden, so I tell my classmates that he's their brother from another mother! (His father, Jenkins, really gets around it seems!).

And on that note, I'm heading to bed. Goodnight!

Training day 14

10:19 AM

I set my alarm for 7:00 this morning, and rolled out of bed to feed, water and relieve this yellow animal that happened to be in my room. I was hoping to fall right back asleep again afterwards, but after playing with him a bit, I was wide awake. I lay in bed and willed myself to just close my eyes and be still. I really needed the sleep. Just as I fell into that perfect phase of sleep, my alarm chimed rudely next to my head. cursing at my life, I woke up and went to breakfast. Thankfully, Melissa and I both planned on eating breakfast as late as possible this morning, so we didn't have to eat alone. We had a great conversation over breakfast, and then I headed back to my room with Arden, where we played a bit wildly for about twenty minutes. He went sailing up onto my bed of his own accord though, and I quickly put a kibosh to that--I don't mind him on the bed, but as long as I'm already on it. I just don't want this to get to the point where he legitimately thinks my bed is his bed, you know? (I do also know that a lot of people are perfectly ok with it, and that's fine, too). In a few hours, I'm going to head to the mall with Melissa and one of her friends.

10:53 AM

I feel so far away from home right now. Well, I really am actually quite far away from home, but I feel especially so on this quiet, sunny but slightly chilly Sunday morning. There's something so lonely about sitting in a hotel room with an outdoor corridor, hearing cars and trucks rush past on the highway, like all those people are going somewhere, have somewhere to go, and I'm just sitting here going nowhere. Today is Eid, a day of celebration in the Muslim faith, and I'm used to being with my family for Eid every year. I'm not at all religious, but that isn't even the point. Growing up, it was always just one of those days that has so many memories surrounding it: waking up early in the morning, and being able to eat breakfast with the family because Ramadan was over; getting dressed in clothes that were beautiful but very, very itchy and irritating against my skin. Taking lots of pictures; clambering into the crowded car and heading to the mosque where we would run into pretty much everyone we'd ever known growing up. Commenting on how nice everyone looked, shoving ourselves into place to start prayers. The Imam calling them out over the loudspeaker--the sound of which still has the power to make me instinctively lower my head out of the sheer strength of that childhood association alone. Going back home where everyone would crowd around, laughing and exchanging gifts. Eating tons and tons of amazing Pakistani food (which, if you haven't tried it, is probably one of the best Cuisines on the planet). Like I said before, I basically have no traditional faith and do not identify as religious, but there's nothing inherently religious about these memories. I just miss being happy with my family.

Oh my God, there's someone whistling outside my window and it's driving me up the wall. There's pleasant whistling, and then there's this person: trying in vain to produce a sound, but just managing to let out a weak, mostly-air sound that sort of hisses loudly and tunelessly through their teeth.

7:27 Pm

I went to the mall this afternoon as planned, and had myself some fun. I still find myself in this contemplative, listless mood though. I think part of me desperately wants to go home; to be with people who love me and think of me the way I think of them. I think this is also the point in class where some of the initial novelty is beginning to wear--I'm thinking of all the things I'll need to do once I get home: purchase textbooks for all my classes, teach Arden my various routes and rooms in the law building, pay my tuition, and generally pretend to care about things I don't. I'm sure you know the drill. This has been such a whirlwind of a summer, and there has been so much to look forward to. It has all absolutely been worth it, but I just feel like resting my tired mind for a while. There comes a point, I think, when you want to stop trying and for things to just happen naturally. And I'm not there yet.

I'm really looking forward to  my massage, though. It seems like a perfect way to end what has actually amounted to a fairly relaxing weekend.

9:51 Pm

I just finished getting one of the most amazing massages I think I'll ever have in my life. It was one of those full-body ones, and he gradually deepened his massage until he was massaging stressed muscles that I didn't even know existed. When he finished, I found myself sad to see him leave. Although I can't say I know him well at all, he was one of those people who I felt understood me, or connected with me, at such a fundamental level, and it's just not every day that you encounter people like that. I don't know how else to explain it, but you just know them when you see them.

From a very relaxed Shermeen and sleeping yellow Arden, goodnight. and thanks for reading.