Panicking before going

Ok, my panic is starting to spiral out of control (I can tell because I'm particularly sensitive and weepy this weekend), and I really need to talk myself down. I just don't know what the hell I was thinking when I applied to gDB. I've obviously failed as a guide dog handler before, and I don't really know why this experience will be any different. But that's not true, I say back to myself (multiple personalities, anyone?). I researched this decision thoroughly. I chose GDB because of it's reputation for excellent dog matches; because the people there actually speak English; because they have incredible follow-up service. And hell, every single person I've been in contact with has been nothing but kind, honest and informative. So why the lingering panic? why all the self-doubt and questioning and questioning of my decision? because I'm just so scared of struggling and failing. I'm scared that I'll get a dog I can't control, and I'm scared that yet again, I'll be matched with a dog who needs a really firm handling style because I give off this I'm a law student who's going to come kick your ass vibe. But I'm also so many other people too, you know? I'm not a dog person; I can be selfish about my time and energy. But I need to stop. I need to listen to what I know instead of what I fear. I need to trust myself: know that I made a well-researched decision with all the information I could get my hands on. And I also need to trust my own coping abilities--I've been a handler before; I know that the shit can and has hit the fan many times. And somehow, somehow I've always come out on my feet. So I need to look on my own experiences as proof that somehow things will work out. I'm just scared, though. Of getting lost and not knowing how to "unlose" myself. And utterly terrified that I'm not going to like my dog. I so wish I were one of those people who went gaga over every dog, but I'm just not. It takes so much for me to love an animal, and I suppose that's just another point against me in the guide dog arena, but I have points for me, as well. I have a good sense of direction, I'm a consistent and strict handler, I love intensely, and am hoping to god I maintain an open mind. Anyway, basically the point of this entry was for me to just rant and pant about how nervous I am. There's excitement, too. I haven't started packing yet, but that's also right around the corner. Thankfully, we have a fairly busy weekend ahead of us, so I won't have as much time as my psyche would like to dwell on all my fears. I'll likely update again once I'm leaving. For now, two days to go!

My chat with the class instructors!So the trainers actually called last week, but I've been really busy and haven't had the time to sit down and write about it.

So the trainers actually called last week, but I've been really busy and haven't had the time to sit down and write about it.

They originally called when I was at dinner with my boss and the videographer, and I was really upset at not being able to speak to them right then and there. They sounded really cheerful on the phone, and I was instantly relieved, as I'd anticipated a really serious, stern conversation (for no good reason, might I add). Anyway, we arranged to have them call me the next morning, and then I passed a night of extreme excitement and nervousness. I kept imagining my ideal dog, and thought of all the traits I'd like it to have.

One of the class instructors called back the next morning, and we wasted no time getting to the meat of the conversation. I told her that I was hoping to get a yellow dog, that I did not want a golden retriever, and that I hoped my dog would be very calm and laid back, not very licky or jumpy, and have a moderate walking pace. Although I can definitely walk quickly when I'm feeling confident about my environment or route, all my dogs in the past have had quite a strong pull in harness, and I often felt as though I was being dragged down the street. I'm one of those people who second guesses many of my decisions, including my traffic analysis and orientation when I'm outside. We could speculate endlessly as to why this is the case, but suffice it to say that I really just need a dog who will give me my space to figure things out, and who isn't chomping at the bit to "go go go". I hope I was really clear about my hopes--it sure seemed as though she was really receptive to what I had to say. She assured me that all of the things I was asking for were reasonable. She also reassured me that peoples' preferences vary a lot. I had always been under the impression that everyone would want the kind of dog I want--because who would want an unfocused licking machine who jumped on everyone and had too much energy? but people do request dogs like that (ok well not the unfocused part, but you get what I mean) because their lives are quite active, or they have several different routes they go on a day, and they're generally the innate dog lovers who want to romp and play with their dogs every minute the dog isn't in harness. We had a bit of a laugh regarding my telling her that I took the bus and train a lot.

Me: But like, it's not like, the subway train that I take so much, you know? it's like...you know, the train where you buy expensive tickets?

By this time, we were already laughing at how ridiculous this all was.

Her: You mean like, the choo-choo train?

Me: Yes! that's exactly it!

Although it was just a small moment, it really put my heart at ease (for the time-being at least), because I really enjoy working with someone who can laugh with (and even at) me. I just hope to god (or whoever else might be out there) that the match ends up being a good one. I'm so terrified that I'm going to get this out of control dog who jumps on everyone and everything, and I'm just not going to know what to do. I'm also afraid of being completely honest with the trainers, because my passed experiences of doing so have generally not been well-received. But I know that being honest with them is basically the only way to ensure that I go home with a dog I feel safe and comfortable with.

So, there you have it. I'm a bundle of nerves and excitement, and have only six more days to go!

My training material has arrived!

On the last day I could possibly retrieve it from them mailbox, my training material finally arrived in the mail! I can't really articulate the excitement I felt when I reached into the (often disappointingly empty or bill-filled) mailbox to find a folded padded envelope--the shape of a bundle of CDs clearly discernable. I rushed upstairs and tore the envelope open just to confirm that it was indeed my material (and not some other random package for my fiancé), and my hopes were confirmed when I felt some Braille indicating that I was holding "disk 1".

     For those of you who don't know what the training material is used for, it's essentially the class lecture material that will compliment my in-class training when I'm at GDB. The topics covered are things like: preparing your house for a guide dog, interacting with your guide dog, feeding/watering the dog, clicker training, dealing with rounded curbs, etc. I haven't actually started reading any of the material yet, but from what I've heard, a lot of it is self-explanatory. Some of it, however, is more GDB and guide specific (like dealing with rounded curbs, getting in and out of vehicles, and clicker training). I'll update again when something noteworthy comes up. In the meantime, the count-down continues: 47 days left!

The home visit

                I'd done a guide dog school evaluation before, but I was nervous nevertheless. The night before my home visit, I could barely sleep. Morning came slowly, and my hart was in my throat as I showered and dressed for the day. That was a bit of a disaster too, as I wasn't sure whether or not it was going to rain.

The instructor arrived on time, and we chatted in my living room for a bit. He was interested in my experiences with my past guide dogs, as well as the reasons I was switching schools. I hesitated when answering him, because despite feeling that my decision to switch schools was justified, I was in no hurry to cast my former school in a light that it didn't necessarily deserve. He was quick to reassure me that the schools themselves are really not all that competitive; as I'd suspected, much of the competition resides in the handlers. People leave all schools for all sorts of reasons, he said, and I felt reassured. We talked a little more about the type of dog I was hoping to be paired with, though this conversation was rather vague, as the evaluation itself had not been done yet. He referred to the notes that had been taken during my phone interview though, and asked me a few questions to clarify.

"So," he said, "It almost seems as though you have a utilitarian view of guide dogs."

I stiffened. What did that even mean? So I asked him exactly that.

"Well, it says here for instance that you don't want an overly licky dog, not too stimulated, stuff like that."

"I can elaborate." I offered. "I grew up in a traditional Pakistani Muslim household, and never really had much exposure to dogs. In fact, I'd been afraid of them as a child, and continued to be afraid into my teen years. I still don't really know how it all ended up working out, because I literally woke up one day when I was nineteen and decided that I was going to apply for a guide dog. Until the very day I met my first guide dog, I was still hesitant and a bit afraid of dogs. So I do like dogs, my dog that is, but I still wouldn't call myself a dog person per-see, and dogs who are overly "mouthy" still make me uncomfortable. I know I'll have to feed them food rewards by hand though, which I'm already used to."

"Thanks," he said, "That really cleared things up for me. GDB is used to serving people from all backgrounds, and we've certainly heard of this before."

We then headed out to do the evaluation route. At first, he said to just walk as if he weren't there. That always makes me feel as though I'm being scrutinized by some silent god though, so I asked if it was ok if we just chatted casually as I walked. Thankfully he was ok with this, and the knot of anxiety in my stomach eased a little. For the most part, the walk went without a hitch. I picked a relatively straight forward route with a few lighted intersections. I was worried that he'd be scrutinizing my cane skills (which sucked royally as I haven't been a cane user in several years). I was swinging that stick around all over the place, but provided that I was safe and responsible, I don't think the instructor really cared how I got somewhere.

On our walk back, we did the juno route portion of the walk. This is a simulation of a route-with the instructor acting as the guide dog (Juno) and holding the harness so that you'd hold the handle as you normally would when walking with a guide dog. The walk has several purposes. The instructor has an opportunity to show you what walking with a dog would actually be like by simulating the same type of pressure you'd feel in the harness handle with an actual dog. The walks are also used to get a more accurate reading of your preferred walking speed (since obviously not all dogs walk at the same pace). Finally, and perhaps most importantly, it's used to see how quickly you'd be able to respond to a dog turning the wrong direction, sniffing, or generally being distracted. So the instructor turned left when I told him to go straight, started drifting quite perceptibly in the middle of streets, and would sniff at the occasional bush. Obviously, guide dogs don't typically dottle and drift all over the place, but they're still dogs, and the handler needs to be able to keep on top of them--because although the dogs do all the seeing, the handler does all the route planning.

Anyway, that portion of the walk was actually really fun, and a welcome stress relief following the first portion. It made me miss having a real guide dog so badly. When we got back to my place, the instructor told me that although he couldn't get his formal written report into GDB admissions until later the following week, he'd be calling them immediately with a recommendation that I be put in the August class so that a spot could be held for me. My relief was so palpable, I think.

After that, it took about a month until I heard formal word from the admissions committee. I think you can typically hear sooner, but I was dealing with a combination of the report taking a while to get in, people taking holidays, and a long weekend. Anyway, I'm scheduled to go in August, and plan to keep a daily log while I'm there (god knows how many random search strings I typed into Google looking for other peoples' blogs during training!). So, the count-down officially began twelve days ago, and as of today, I've got 50 more to go! I'll update when something else exciting happens.